The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Pants are for mortals
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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