you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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