they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
