Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize