I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
