I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She's the barista slut.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
So squirting runs in the family.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
