Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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