If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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