i permit you to call me
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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