First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
