I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
