My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
