So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
