I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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