If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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