I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
