My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
