don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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