matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize