1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
