Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
