it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
