I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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