Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
