Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
