My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
