I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
