woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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