My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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