im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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