broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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