he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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