Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
