I got chris browned last night
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
