Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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