he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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