I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
