I am in a vortex of obligation.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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