found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
