k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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