I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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