im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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