Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize