White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
