just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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