The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
