WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize