awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
