I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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