I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
