Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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