So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
