Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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