well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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