last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
